He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
