I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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