He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
