Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
