dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
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Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
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