i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
