you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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