Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
