You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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