NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
