ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
