ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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