I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
