i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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