Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
