So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
