I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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