dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
