THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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