There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
