On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize