I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
