your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
