I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
