Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Is it penis luge time yet?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
