The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
