11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!