I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
