i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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