I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
