So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
