i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
