The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
