Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I want to be your penis for a week.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
