I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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