you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
