i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
