Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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