Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
