My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
