My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
