Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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