omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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