the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
