John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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