He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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