I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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