I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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