A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well I just put wine in my tea
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
