i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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