I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize