the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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