Pants 0. Shit 1.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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