There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you had me at cake vodka
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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