to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
