Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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