I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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