i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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