I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
