Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
