Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
