Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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